Real Housewives of D.C.: Our Kingdom for a Horse [Recaps]
# recaps Last night was Episode 2 of this latest, undeniably worst Housewives franchise. What happened? Mostly people said stupid things and then everyone went home, back to the thorny wilds of Virginia, because only one of them actually lives in D.C. More »
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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish: 49
Adventurous: Slept with everyone.
Athletic: No breasts.
Average looking: Mooooooo.
Beautiful: Pathological liar.
Emotionally secure: On medication.
Feminist: Fat.
Free spirit: Junkie.
Friendship first: Reformed slapper.
New-Age: Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned: No BJs.
Open-minded: Desperate.
Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional: B*tch.
Voluptuous: Very Fat.
Large frame: Hugely Fat.
Wants soul mate: Stalker.
WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN’S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you.
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay
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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish: 59.
Adventurous: Slept with everything (including the neighbours dog and my ex wife’s shower cap).
Athletic: I spend three hours a day in front of mirror flexing my non biceps and twitching my boob ‘pecks’ along to various Tom Jones tunes.
Average looking: Danni Divito’s body with Woody Allan’s face.
Handsome: Personal ad was written by his mother.
Emotionally secure: Still married.
In favour of woman’s rights: Pathological liar.
Free spirit: Open relationships wanted.
Friendship first: Small penis.
New-Age: I’ll try anything.
Old-fashioned: Male chauvinistic pig.
Open-minded: Any age/any sex.
Outgoing: I will talk/drink/shag anyone under the table.
Professional: Toff.
Cuddly: Beer belly/’high hips’.
Large frame: Bed bound.
Wants soul mate: Middle aged virgin.
WOMAN’S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = Yes (unless the question was, ‘are you okay?’ when the answer ‘Yes’ would mean, ‘yes I was ok but now you have had to ask me I am not ok anymore’)
2. No = No (unless the question was related to food in which case the answer would mean ‘no I don’t want to appear greedy so I will just take from your plate’).
3. Maybe = No (unless you have a good bargaining tool).
4. We need = You need… and I can’t believe you haven’t mentioned it yet.
5. I am sorry = (followed by) but it’s over.
6. We need to talk = Turn off the tv and face me now, at least appear to be listening.
7. Sure, go ahead = If you’re ready for the consequences.
8. Do what you want = If you’re prepared to do it without me.
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Now I know how good it can be I will expect this every time.
MEN’S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = Make me dinner.
2. I am sleepy = Go on top.
3. I am tired = So I can’t do anything for myself.
4. Nice dress = Response to, ‘does my bum look big in this?’
5. I love you = Thank you for cooking/cleaning/ironing/generally taking over from my mother.
6. I am bored = Can we stop talking about sex and start doing it?
7. May I have this dance? = May I press myself up against you in an attempt to seem manly but really I am so lonely I need to get off any way I can?
8. Can I call you sometime? = Do you have a muscle bound husband who is likely to beat me with a hammer if I call you?
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I am bored with your constant conversation, lets go somewhere it is actually frowned upon to talk.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = How about a Burger King?
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I have a death wish and I am looking for the easy road to hell.
Okay guys, this is a painful one.
This morning, I had just gotten out of the shower and I was drying off. I tossed my towel aside, looking to put on clothes, boxers first of course. Today was unusual, as I had a job interview, had clothes that needed to be ironed, so, I turned on my iron and left on my desk to heat up. Back to the story; I was leaning over my desk to read a detail on the calendar, and the right side of my scrotum and penis came in contact with the hot iron! After some yelling and cursing, I looked down, and saw burn marks all over where my genitals made contact with the iron. I applied ice for a few minutes, but had to leave for the job interview.
I’ve never had a burn quite like this…what should I do?
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